Struggling With an Anxious Partner? How to Cope and Help (2024)

Dan and Nia dated for several months and recently began living together. Nia knew that Dan could be anxious at times, but she didn’t realize until recently how much his anxiety was affecting his everyday life. She feels frustrated with his struggle to make decisions; she feels he is always leaning on her to either make a decision for him or help him calm down. She is getting resentful and burned out.

Living with or even dating someone who seems to struggle with anxiety can be draining in several ways. Here are some of the common reactions that result:

You feel frustrated.

Nia’s frustration comes from two sources. Sometimes it’s because she doesn’t know how to help Dan when he seems to be tied up in knots, is going down some rabbit hole of obsessions and worry, or can’t make up his mind. Other times, it’s more about feeling frustrated that Dan can’t seem to run his life better than he does. She wishes he could just step up and be more decisive.

You feel like you are doing the heavy lifting.

The relationship feels out of balance. Rather than working together as a team, you feel like you are by default making a lot of decisions or spending a lot of time helping your partner move through their day. You feel like the other person is not reliable.

You can’t get what you need.

This is the other side of the imbalance. You feel that you can’t be vulnerable, that you can’t truly lean on the other to support you when they already are feeling overwhelmed.

You worry they can't handle it; it will only create another problem. You’re doing that heavy lifting but not able to get much back.

You periodically get resentful.

Nia periodically gets fed up and resentful—because it feels like it is a Dan-centered world, like she is not appreciated for what she is doing, like it isn’t an equal partnership. Here she may blow up about something seemingly small, or she may act out—flirting on the job, buying stuff, or drinking more—all ways of funneling her ever-building resentment.

You get burned out.

You’re in a codependent role where you feel you give and give, don’t get a break, get tired of having to be on duty all the time.

Time to change the dynamic? Here’s how to get started:

Talk about anxiety and the overall relationship.

What this means is Nia talking with Dan about her frustration and his seeming struggle to make decisions and feeling overwhelmed—the bigger picture—rather than about why he seemed to be so overwhelmed on Tuesday night. It's tempting to want to focus on specific situations and deconstruct them—but it’s too easy to get stuck in the weeds of details where you both get defensive and argue about whose reality is right. You wind missing the larger goal of talking about anxiety and the relationship itself.

Ask how you can help.

Rather than feeling frustrated about not knowing how to help Dan, Nia simply needs to ask, since he is the one with the problem: What’s the best she can do when he is struggling with a decision or getting worried and obsessed besides taking over? Make sure it’s concrete in that you behaviorally know exactly what to do.

Encourage your partner to seek outside help.

What motivates people are problems that they feel they have. The starting point for Nia is to build on what Dan may see as a problem: He may not be so concerned about his indecisiveness, for example, but agrees with her that his obsessive worry is something that he would like to change. Or no, he feels he is OK, but he resents Nia being critical of him. The starting point for any outside help is whatever the other guy is willing to work on—it's all connected.

And keep in mind the goal; don't confuse ends and means. Nia doesn't need to get into a battle with Dan over therapy versus no therapy. Yes, therapy can be helpful, but if Dan is resistant, shift the conversation to other options, such as finding some books or workbooks on anxiety.

They also may want to consider couples therapy as a safe forum for Nia to express her frustration and concerns. Stay focused on fixing the problems.

Don’t be afraid to make demands.

Though Nia is reluctant to lean on Dan for support, this is exactly what she should do for two reasons. One is that it can help rebalance the relationship; Dan himself may feel bad about not offering more to Nia, may realize that the relationship is out of balance, and only by deliberately acting to change it can it change.

The other reason is that dating and living together are about deciding how compatible you are as a couple. You can only find out whether you are compatible, not by walking on eggshells, not by avoiding problems, but by getting them on the table and seeing if you can solve them together, by speaking up and saying what you need.

Decide on your bottom lines.

And because it is about deciding whether or not you are compatible, because you don’t want to feel like a victim or a martyr, because there is a limit to what you can control and can’t, it’s helpful to define your bottom lines. What are Nia's criteria for a good-enough relationship? What is she looking for most to feel that things are changing? At what point does she decide she’s given the relationship a good shot, and it’s not working for her?

These are hard questions that require serious thought. Like most relationship problems, the starting and ending point is knowing what’s the best you can do.